Friday, February 3, 2012
Lost voice
Today I woke up telling myself I was going to stay positive and be thankful for the time I had with 2 people that I lost in my life. My mother 21 years ago and my best friend Chris in 2006. That didn't work so well, by the end of the day I found myself sitting in my room wishing I could be in the company of them rather then what I have now. It's a horrible feeling when you know you have never been the perfect child, over achiever or just simply not good enough to the people that should make you feel the most appreciated. For a long time I have felt like my voice, opinion and word mean nothing and isn't relevant to the one person in my life that it should mean the most to. No matter how hard I try to get through to you, you are to blind to see that I need you to stop fighting me and start listening to me. There are days that I feel invisible to you, like I'm standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs for you and you don't even hear me. Where does a person turn when the only person they need doesn't see you standing in front of you asking for your help? Sure I could talk to other people I have lots of people to turn to but that won't fix it, it's you I need to reach out and grab me. The thought of not having you in my life sends total fear through me although the damage could be far worse in the long run if you can't open your eyes and find me. I think the time has come to walk away from you and see if you can then "see" me........I will always love you more then any one person in my life.
Monday, July 25, 2011
99 Truths
001. Real name → Melinda Carol Sullivan
002. Nickname(s)→ Mommy Mo, Meli-Mel, Mel
003. Zodiac sign → Leo
004. Male or female → Female
005. Elementary → Coronado
006. Middle School → Coronado
007.High School - BHS
008. Hair color → Brown
009. Long or short → Medium
010. Loud or Quiet → Loud mostly
011. Sweats or Jeans → Sweet Sweats
012. Phone or Camera → Phone
013. Health freak → Starting too
014. Drink or Smoke? → Yes & No
015. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes ;-)
016. Eat or Drink → Both
017. Piercings → Ears
018. Tattoos → Yes 5
HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane → Yes
020. Been in a relationship → Yes.
021. Been in a car accident → Yes
022. Been in a fist fight → Yes
FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → Tounge
024. First best friend → Holly
025. First award → Vollyball
026. First crush → Chris in 5th grade
028. First big vacation → North Carolina with my Husband
LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to not in your family → J
030. Last person you texted → Friend (Ciera)
031. Last person you watched a movie with → The Hub
032. Last food you ate → Yogurt
033. Last movie you watched → Transformers (could watch 1000 times over)
034. Last song you listened to → Taylor Swift Your So Mean
035. Last thing you bought → Clothes
036. Last person you hugged → My nephew baby James
FAVES:
037. Food → I love it all....
038. Drinks → Dr.Pepper
039. Clothing → Jeans and Fire Department shrit
040. Flower → Orchid
041. Where'd it go? → My husband says I misplace everything!
042. Colors → Purple and Pink
043. Movies → Ever After, The Notebook, Twilight Series
044. Subjects → Science and History
IN 2008..... I
045. [x] kissed someone
046. [x] celebrated Halloween
047. [x ] had your heart broken.
048. [ ]went over the minutes on your cell phone
049. [ ] questioned someone's sexual orientation
050. [ ] came out of the closet
051. [ ] gotten pregnant twice
052. [ ] had an abortion
053. [x ] done something you've regretted
054. [xx ] broke a promise
055. [x] hid a secret
056. [x] pretended to be happy
057. [x] met someone who changed your life
058. [x ] purchased an expensive dress
059. [ ] left the country
060. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.
061. [x] cried over the silliest thing
062. [ ] ran a mile
063. [ ] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
064. [x] got into an argument with your friends
065. [x] hated someone
066. [ ] DISNEY WORLD and DISNEY LAND> Niether EVER!
CURRENTLY:
067. Eating → Nothing
068. Drinking → Water
069. I'm about to → Get off Work
070. Listening to → The Fan & Whose Line
071. Plans for today → Going to town and paying all the bills
072. Waiting for → School to start!
YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? → No I love my nieces and nephews
074. Want to get married? → I am married
075. Careers in mind → EMT Medic
WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
076. Lips or eyes--> Both
077. Shorter or taller? →Tall
078. Romantic or spontaneous → Romantic
079. Nice stomach or nice arms → Arms
080. Sensitive or loud → Not too much of either.
081. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → A bit of both
HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts → Ya both
084. Ran away from home → No
085. Hold a gun/knife for self defense →Yeap take your pick 9mm,45 or 22 rifle
086. Killed somebody → No
087. Broken someone's heart --> Yes
088. Slapped someone → Yes
089. Cried when someone died → Of course!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself →More now then before
091. Miracles → Yes
092. Love at first sight → YES
093. Heaven →Yes
094. Santa Claus → For the kids sake (lol)
095. Sex on the first date → ummm NO!
096. Kiss on the first date → Yes
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? →Yes. Life is what you make of it, if you want it better then change it.
099. Do you believe in God → Yes
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Serendipity
The term is sometimes used to mean "the randomness of fate," as in "whatever happens to cross my desk today."
The days are starting to go by a little faster and soon it will be time for me to leave. I have heard so many different thought from people close to me about my decision to leave Tucson and move to a small town. While I take in all that they have to say the same thought runs threw my mind when the talk about it. "How does anyone know that it is going to be a disaster?" Yes I know that it has not been the best for some so they compare it to that, but did they ever think maybe she really is going to do something with this chance? No, none of them do but that is what gives me some much more determination to make something great come of this.
I have lived in Tucson almost my whole life and that's what makes me want this so bad, a chance to be somewhere different to know that I am able to unlock the door that has been holding me here for so long. I will miss Tucson for very few obvious reason. One is our sunsets we have the most amazing sunsets I have ever seen. If you find the right spot to sit and watch one you could easily get lost in it for hours thinking about anything and everything that you have on your mind and the best part is...it will never argue back.
The days are starting to go by a little faster and soon it will be time for me to leave. I have heard so many different thought from people close to me about my decision to leave Tucson and move to a small town. While I take in all that they have to say the same thought runs threw my mind when the talk about it. "How does anyone know that it is going to be a disaster?" Yes I know that it has not been the best for some so they compare it to that, but did they ever think maybe she really is going to do something with this chance? No, none of them do but that is what gives me some much more determination to make something great come of this.
I have lived in Tucson almost my whole life and that's what makes me want this so bad, a chance to be somewhere different to know that I am able to unlock the door that has been holding me here for so long. I will miss Tucson for very few obvious reason. One is our sunsets we have the most amazing sunsets I have ever seen. If you find the right spot to sit and watch one you could easily get lost in it for hours thinking about anything and everything that you have on your mind and the best part is...it will never argue back.
I know one day I will be back everyone comes back one day. Some have said that they never really appreciated Tucson till they left and experienced something new. I can not guarantee that when I move its all going to be perfect but then again I cant say it wont turn out to be good either. If its one thing I don't want its to say later that I regret not having the guts to take a step and make a big change because I wanted to. We all only have one life so we might as well do things we want even if it doesn't always make sense to everyone else. I mean if we all lived our life based on the suggestions of everyone else the world would be a boring place. So to everyone that has something negative to say, I respect your opinion but that does not mean that you can change what I have decided to do no matter how many time you say it. There are a few places I need to visit before I leave but that will make for another day of rambling.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Bailey
Bailey was our oldest huskie and one of the best! We adopted her as a companion for our male when he was a puppy so he wouldnt be loney. I found her on the Humane Society Website and when I called to see if she was still there the lady said "Yes but you better come today, this is her last day if she isnt adopted today she will be put to sleep". I called my husband to meet me there with Lokie so they could meet. From the very moment they did it was like they had known each other all along. I knew she was going to be a great add to our family, since we have no children our dogs fill that place and they all mean the world to us.
Yesterday I made the hardest choice I have ever had to make. Bailey lived a wonderful life with us and was the best dog that coud have ever asked for. She was a lover and very sweet but also the boss and head of the pack. We loved her very much but she was old and had a hard time getting around so now she is laid to rest and is in a much better place with no pain and all the pig ears she wants. To anyone that has had to experince what I did yesterday of loosing a pet, my heart goes out to you for making it through something like
that.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
What would you do.......
I have lived in Tucson almost my whole life and while I have had good times and memories here I have also had my share of the worst (like anyone else,anywhere else i am sure). These past couple months I have had this feeling that I just dont feel Tucson is where I want to call "home" anymore. Some days it feels like someone threw me in, slammed the door behind me and locked the door, I shared this feeling with a wise person and she told me "that person is you Melinda". Can it be true? Am I the gate keeper that refuses to open my own door? I have a wonderful job and work with someone of the most amazing people and I use to think that was reason enough to stay but the desire inside me to run and experience other things is saying thats not enough. We get lots of jobs in our lifetime, but we only get one life to make it all we want it to be. I have been presented with the options and means to pack up tomorrow and go where I feel I want and need to be, so what is holding me here? That is the question that I cant figure out. Sometimes I think that the lack of travel in my childhood is what makes me fear change so bad and at the same time is the reason I have the feeling to leave and do what I want without taking in ridicual from others.
So what would you do............. stay because things are okay not great but okay, or take the chance and do what you feel inside would be better and take the risks that come with it??
So what would you do............. stay because things are okay not great but okay, or take the chance and do what you feel inside would be better and take the risks that come with it??
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
More then most
My life has been a roller coaster for some one my age. You could say that I have lost the the people who make the biggest impact in life, not just mine but everyone they cross paths with.
February 3rd 1991-My mother Donna passed had to leave us when I was only 7 years old my little brother was 2 never even had the chance to know her. When he was 9 years old he asked me "why did mommy love you more then me?" I had to explain to a 9 year old that it had nothing to do with him and that he was in every way our mothers miracle. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor before she even conceived my brother and the doctors forbid her to get pregnant because she was in radiation treatment and a child would either not make it or have sever health problems. But with gods will she got pregnant with my brother Brandon and he is the MOST amazing person that I know. Despite what her body was going thru he came out perfect and does my mother and I proud everyday. I see her determination when I look at him and when people talk of what a wonderful person she was, I see it in him.
June 3rd 2002 my family's life's changed forever in so many ways. My cousin Justin Sullivan lost his life in a car accident in Oklahoma City he was only 18 years old. He saved the life of his best friend and girl friend and the world has never seen a more giving person. He was very in touch with God and shared it with as many people has he could. Justin was a wonderful son, brother, cousin, nephew and friend someone that people wished that they could have the pleasure of meeting. I am proud to call him family but I know he is where he was meant to be. Justin played baseball and was one of the ones that could have gone as far as he wanted, he was great in all he did. I did not go to his funeral because I had a very hard time coping with death and refused to say goodbye to the ones I loved. Recently I went to Oklahoma for the first time and spent time with my family I met amazing people and I learned why people loved him so. Please if you have time see his story. http://www.alifeworthfollowing.org/
February 3rd 2006- Christopher W. Pullen was taken from this world to be in a better place. I only knew him for a short time but he made the biggest impact on my life of anyone I have ever been friends with. I realize now that because of the strange way we met and became friends was meant for a reason. I have not fully figured that out yet but I know when the time is right I will. I only hope that I grow to understand why he also was taken from this world at such a young age. Christopher was my best friend, the one who I could call and no matter how far, what time, or what circumstance he would be there and he knew it was a shared feeling. He had a way of lighting up any room that he walked into and putting a smile on the face of even people who were really down and out. From the time we met the two of us were together and did almost everything together. I was with him the night he passed and in the beginning I asked God "why would you put me there, thru that after all I have lost already?" Now I am glad I was there with him and I wouldn't want it any other way, only that if it had been the other way around I pray he would have been there to. Losing him hit me hard, I hated life I didn't want it anymore, I told myself it was my fault and I should have done more to stop it. Then I woke up and realized that if he were here and it happened to someone else he would never tolerate me acting that way. Chris brought out this person in me that no one ever has and I liked her I try everyday to hang on and not let go of that person in fear that I will let go of him and forget. His mother is my inspiration in so many ways a lot of people could learn so much from her. Even though her entire world is gone she still has the power to get out of bed and face the world everyday. I only hope that I grow to have as much drive as she does today.
They say that time heals all wounds, I however can tell you for me "time" will never heal what I have pulled thru. It is the love of family and friends and the love that you have for the ones that we have to say goodbye to that get us thru. It will never be the same without any of them and I know there are so many more to come in life. I try to think that I will be more prepared for the next one and the next one. But the truth is, is that each person makes a different impact on our lives and therefor the hurt is different every time. As tragic as it all was I also took a lot of positive things from it but that is for another day.....
February 3rd 1991-My mother Donna passed had to leave us when I was only 7 years old my little brother was 2 never even had the chance to know her. When he was 9 years old he asked me "why did mommy love you more then me?" I had to explain to a 9 year old that it had nothing to do with him and that he was in every way our mothers miracle. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor before she even conceived my brother and the doctors forbid her to get pregnant because she was in radiation treatment and a child would either not make it or have sever health problems. But with gods will she got pregnant with my brother Brandon and he is the MOST amazing person that I know. Despite what her body was going thru he came out perfect and does my mother and I proud everyday. I see her determination when I look at him and when people talk of what a wonderful person she was, I see it in him.
June 3rd 2002 my family's life's changed forever in so many ways. My cousin Justin Sullivan lost his life in a car accident in Oklahoma City he was only 18 years old. He saved the life of his best friend and girl friend and the world has never seen a more giving person. He was very in touch with God and shared it with as many people has he could. Justin was a wonderful son, brother, cousin, nephew and friend someone that people wished that they could have the pleasure of meeting. I am proud to call him family but I know he is where he was meant to be. Justin played baseball and was one of the ones that could have gone as far as he wanted, he was great in all he did. I did not go to his funeral because I had a very hard time coping with death and refused to say goodbye to the ones I loved. Recently I went to Oklahoma for the first time and spent time with my family I met amazing people and I learned why people loved him so. Please if you have time see his story. http://www.alifeworthfollowing.org/
February 3rd 2006- Christopher W. Pullen was taken from this world to be in a better place. I only knew him for a short time but he made the biggest impact on my life of anyone I have ever been friends with. I realize now that because of the strange way we met and became friends was meant for a reason. I have not fully figured that out yet but I know when the time is right I will. I only hope that I grow to understand why he also was taken from this world at such a young age. Christopher was my best friend, the one who I could call and no matter how far, what time, or what circumstance he would be there and he knew it was a shared feeling. He had a way of lighting up any room that he walked into and putting a smile on the face of even people who were really down and out. From the time we met the two of us were together and did almost everything together. I was with him the night he passed and in the beginning I asked God "why would you put me there, thru that after all I have lost already?" Now I am glad I was there with him and I wouldn't want it any other way, only that if it had been the other way around I pray he would have been there to. Losing him hit me hard, I hated life I didn't want it anymore, I told myself it was my fault and I should have done more to stop it. Then I woke up and realized that if he were here and it happened to someone else he would never tolerate me acting that way. Chris brought out this person in me that no one ever has and I liked her I try everyday to hang on and not let go of that person in fear that I will let go of him and forget. His mother is my inspiration in so many ways a lot of people could learn so much from her. Even though her entire world is gone she still has the power to get out of bed and face the world everyday. I only hope that I grow to have as much drive as she does today.
They say that time heals all wounds, I however can tell you for me "time" will never heal what I have pulled thru. It is the love of family and friends and the love that you have for the ones that we have to say goodbye to that get us thru. It will never be the same without any of them and I know there are so many more to come in life. I try to think that I will be more prepared for the next one and the next one. But the truth is, is that each person makes a different impact on our lives and therefor the hurt is different every time. As tragic as it all was I also took a lot of positive things from it but that is for another day.....
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